The ultimate solution for world peace.

Only one wins. Everyone gets roasted.

The UN gave up and outsourced peace to a reality show. Nations, ideologies, AI lords and meme mutants compete for total domination. Hosted by Sleepy Joe. Rigged from the skybox.

The cast

Everyone says they want peace.

Deep down they all want the same thing: to win. Meet the people who will do anything to.

Sleepy Joe, the host, eyelids at half mast — Sleepy JoeHost. Fair play guaranteed. Earpiece not pictured. zzz

The producer, gold hair, red tie, smug — The ProducerExecutive producer. Main sponsor. Wants a Nobel.

Xi, scowling on a red ground with gold stars — XiDragon side of the rope. Owns the factory.

Putin, sour, red tie — PutinResult printed in advance. Three days to vote.

Zelenskyy shouting at a twin-mic podium — ZelenskyyTwo microphones. Neither switched on by the sponsors.

Macron, disdainful — MacronEurope's spokesman. Europe was not consulted.

Modi, teeth bared, saffron — ModiLargest democracy. Loudest cheering section.

Kim, furious, glasses — KimBrought his own trophy. And his own referee.

Milei, wild hair, wide eyes — MileiWants to abolish the contest. From inside it.

Maduro, tricolour sash, teeth gritted — MaduroAlso printed the result. Then lost the printer.

Netanyahu, stern, blue tie — BibiCoalition pending. Dressing room booked.

A Gulf prince in a red-check ghutra — MBSBought the stadium. Watching from the skybox.

The AI mastermind, pained expression — The AI MastermindSponsor. Chats with robots smarter than half of Congress.

The safety prophet, curly hair, glasses, mild smile — The Safety ProphetSponsor. Warns you about the thing he is building.

The shovel seller in a leather jacket — The Shovel SellerSponsor. Sells the shovels in the gold rush. Leather optional.

The rocket guy, scowling — The Rocket GuySponsor. That efficiency department thing? Yeah.

A bald tycoon with a manic grin — The Delivery GuySponsor. Your prize arrives tomorrow. Terms apply.

A meme lord with an open-mouthed grin — The Meme LordContestant. Will give away a country for views.

The races

A team is whatever the fight needs.

Three bald eagles in dark suits with fists raised — The Eagles

A three-headed dragon holding a microchip — The Dragons

Three sharks in pinstripe suits with briefcases of cash — The Sharks

Three eco activists, one with a megaphone — The Eco Warriors

Three warriors in pink beanies and gold armour — The Warriors

The sets

The contest is theatre. This is where the prize gets split.

A dressing room with a lit mirror, a red sofa and a rack of flags and vestments — The Dressing Room

A backstage corridor with flight cases and a folding chair under a lamp — Backstage

Two leaders wrestling over a globe — The Tug-of-War

House rules

How the show works

The UN outsourced peace.

To a reality show with a gold sponsor and a sleepy host. Nothing says peace like a ratings bonanza.

The prize is world domination.

The real prize is a Nobel. Everyone in the building already knows who it's for.

Clips don't need a winner.

Stalemate, collapse, everyone loses, or everyone claims victory. All valid endings. All from real headlines.

No house team.

Left and right, East and West, faith and facts, nations, corporations and the new priesthoods of AI and coin. Equal roasts.